The 2024 Shocking Image Holiday Gift Guide

These are hard times for holiday catalog enthusiasts. The double whammy of Amazon and lockdowns dealt a crippling blow to brick-and-mortar stores, and ubiquitous online access has put the print catalog on life support.

Just as I was about to give up on getting a Sharper Image catalog this year, a slimmed down one magically showed up in the mailbox. It makes a nice coffee table companion to the dog-eared Hammacher Schlemmer I received a couple of months ago. Compared to the venerable Hammacher Schlemmer (which I affectionately call Hamburgler Schlepper), The Sharper Image is a Johnny-come-lately. HS claims that it’s been offering “the best, the unique and the unexpected” for over 175 years.

Back in its heyday, HS distinguished itself by listing at least one truly unexpected (and obscenely expensive) item in every catalog mailer. One year it was a lifesize, animatronic replica of Forbidden Planet’s Robby the Robot for $40K or thereabouts. Another catalog featured a personal submarine for the multi-millionaire who has everything (and guess what, it’s still there online, if you happen to have several million bucks lying around).

HS has long since dispensed with the super-luxury items for the print catalog -- it’s now almost indistinguishable from The Sharper Image, with the usual assortment of “timeless” artifacts: massagers, portable photo printers, sleep sound machines, DVD storage cabinets, holiday yard decorations, etc.

The Sharper Image and Hammacher Schlemmer catalogs may be mere shadows of their former selves, but in that alternate universe to which Films From Beyond has exclusive access, The Shocking Image catalog is a thriving holiday institution. Here’s a sampling of truly unique and unexpected gifts for lucky mad scientists in the upper income brackets (and they're all on sale!):

Captured Soul Lava Lamp

Our competitors' lamps feature the usual waxy blobs in clear fluid, and quite frankly, they get boring really fast. Using a special process exclusive to The Shocking Image (pat. pending), we capture souls at the precise moment that they leave deceased bodies, and trap them in specially designed display containers. The antics of these souls are endlessly entertaining! Also makes a great night light for the kids! (Captured souls may vary in color and appearance.) 54” H x 20” W. (120 lbs.)

Item 1313666. Special Black Friday Sale Price: $369.99 $272.49

Personal Earth-drilling Juggernaut

A Shocking Image exclusive! Humanity has explored every corner of the earth's surface and its oceans, but still very little is known about the earth beneath our feet. Be the first on your multi-millionaires' block to explore the earth's mysterious core! This one-of-a-kind Juggernaut, with a roomy cabin for 4 adults, moves 36 tons of dirt and rock per minute as you drill down to reveal lost underground worlds full of ferocious dinosaurs and the last surviving Neanderthals! (Special conditions and shipping rates apply; Launch ramp sold separately.) 74.2' L x 15' W x 12.4' H. (112,796 lbs.)

Item 1366613. $5,367,846.99 $4,620,112.99

Combo MRI Machine / Air Fryer

Creating a creature from scratch is incredibly time consuming. You constantly have to use imaging equipment to check on the internal integrity of your creation, leaving little time for meals. The innovators at The Shocking Image have solved the dilemma with a one-of-kind device that can be used to take detailed images of your creation's internal organs, then, when it's time to eat, a simple touch of a button turns it into a super spacious air fryer, capable of cooking up to a dozen large turkeys or hams at a time. Great for mollifying irate, torch-bearing villagers with a quick, lip-smacking hot banquet. 9' L x 4.5' W x 5' H. (1,765 lbs.; Call for special shipping rates.)

Item 6661313. $679,354.89 $587,287.15

Combo Surgical Laser / Tanning Ray

Let's face it: with all the cutting, dissecting and suturing you do to create artificial life, you just don't have the time to go outdoors and get some sun on that deathly pale skin of yours. Fret no more, because with the exclusive Shocking Image Surgical Laser and Tanner, you can have it all! After slicing and dicing your creation with the precise laser, adjust the setting and turn it on yourself for an indoor tan that simulates an afternoon in the sun without all the harmful UV rays. And once you've revived your creature, give it the tanning treatment to turn that corpse-grey skin into a healthy, glowing bronze color! 48” Diam. x 54” H. (87 lbs.)

Item 1666313. $2,187.99 $1,512.25

3D People Printer

It's a never-ending problem -- your work in things that are better left alone is immensely complicated and time-consuming, and it's so hard to get good help! Even when you're lucky enough to find a capable assistant, the work seems to multiply, and you end up wishing you could clone him or her. But cloning is messy and a huge investment in time and resources. Wish no more. Just put your assistant in one of the patented printer cylinders, fire up the machine, and then marvel at the exact replica that is ready right then and there to do your bidding. Your lab will become so efficient, you may find time to wreak horrible vengeance on the clueless colleagues who ridiculed you and banished you from polite society. (Human subjects not included.). 96" H x 120" W. (943 lbs.)

Item 6136136. $17,834.89 $16,901.15

The Shocking Image 2023 Holiday Gift Guide

I am sorely disappointed that not a single Sharper Image catalog has shown up in my mailbox this holiday season. Back in late 2020 one magically appeared in the mail like a refugee from a time capsule. As I paged through it, images of massage chairs, deluxe nose-hair trimmers and portable DVD players took me back to a more innocent time when people had the inclination and the means to buy crap they didn't need -- crap that would either break within the year or get shoved into a closet and promptly be forgotten.

After a long hiatus, Films From Beyond is once again celebrating eccentric mail order consumerism with another edition of The Shocking Image Holiday Gift Guide for Mad Scientists. While we don’t have the time or space to post the complete guide here, we’ve selected some of the best, most sought-after items for you nostalgic delectation. But never fear, the print catalog is coming soon to an alternate universe near you!

Home Laboratory Distillery

With the price of alcohol skyrocketing, it’s more expensive than ever to spike your holiday punch bowl with 80 proof spirits, leaving little money left over for lab equipment and chemicals. Enter our space-saving and economical home distillery kit, which is designed to complement any kind of lab set-up. You supply the grain and the chemistry expertise, and the kit does the rest. Never be short on holiday spirits again! (Butler not included). 32” L x 20” W x 18” H. (36 lbs.)

Item 1366613. $489.99

Cavern Air Purifier

Caverns and caves are great places to conduct your experiments far from the prying eyes of skeptics and meddling authorities. But the air quality in these enclosed spaces can be seriously compromised, threatening your health and your livelihood. With this advanced, industrial-grade cavern air purifier, you can filter out hundreds of micro pathogens and toxic particles, allowing you to breathe easier as you work tirelessly to overturn the scientific establishment. 24” L x 22” W x 70” H. (86 lbs.)

Item 6661313. $779.99

Maxi-Secure Operating Table

There’s nothing worse than celebrating the successful reanimation of your creature, only to have it wander off and terrorize the local villagers before you’re ready to announce your triumph to the world. Worry no more with the new Maxi-Secure operating table, equipped with the heaviest-duty straps to keep your creation safe and snug as it breathes in its first mouthful of air. The table can be adjusted from 0 to 90 degrees, so that you can make fine adjustments to your creature from any angle. 96” L x 52” W x 38” H. (330 lbs.; Premium shipping rates apply)

Item 1313666. $1044.99

Mr. Guts Anatomy Model

A Shocking Image exclusive! Mad doctors have to start somewhere, but obtaining human guinea pigs can be difficult for even the most experienced experimenters. Before you take a scalpel to your first subject, familiarize yourself with every aspect of the human body, inside and out, with the detailed and anatomically accurate Mr. Guts model. Featuring highly realistic tissues, muscles, internal organs and a working circulatory system, Mr. Guts will help you prepare for that glorious day when you stitch together and reanimate your very first creature. Makes a great educational gift for kids as well! 12” L x 17” W x 38” H. (44 lbs.)

Item 1361366. $695.99

Floating Head Snow Globe

The holidays are almost here, and even hard working scientists tinkering with things better left alone need to take a break once in a while. Indulge your whimsical side with our exclusive Floating Head snow globe. Made of lightweight, unbreakable space-age polymer, this impressive decoration features a shrunken living head floating in a clear nutrient liquid (pat. pending). Shake it up, and tiny snowflakes will dance around as the head comically wheezes and sneezes. Makes a great conversation piece for parties, or a quirky companion for those late night hours in the lab. (Heads may vary in appearance.) 7.4” L x 7.4” W x 10” H. (7 lbs.)

Item 6136136. $128.99 

The Shocking Image Holiday Catalog: Mad Scientist Edition

So there it was, an artifact from the murky mists of antiquity that had somehow managed to hurtle itself through space and time to end up in my mailbox -- a **GASP!** Sharper Image holiday catalog!

I couldn’t remember the last time I’d thumbed through one, or for that matter puttered distractedly around a Sharper Image outlet at the airport, waiting for a flight.

Rather than throwing it into the recycle bin, my curiosity got the better of me and I started browsing through it, wondering what marginally useful, overpriced gadgets were popular these days.

Although the catalog was labelled “Holiday Gifts 2020,” it was like paging through a time capsule from twenty years ago. All the old familiar stuff was there: air purifiers, massage chairs, USB photo storage sticks, and of course the “#1 selling” nose hair trimmer.

I could have sworn Sharper Image went under years ago, and sure enough, Wikipedia reports that the company went bankrupt in 2008. But after their assets made their way through more corporate hands than you can shake a selfie-stick at, somebody you never heard of bought up what was left and re-launched the brand last year. Hence the catalog.

Sharper Image’s resurrection has inspired me to wonder what the catalog would look like in an alternate universe, where mad scientists and monsters have lots of disposable income and need gift-giving ideas around the holidays…

Space-saving Laboratory Generator

No more having to wait for a lightning storm to bring your latest creation to life! This is our lightest, smallest electrical generator for scientists with modest labs, yet it packs enough power to resuscitate even the largest specimens! Hooks up to a rodent exercise wheel for 100% biological power (rodents sold separately). 56" L x 36" W x 52"H. (60 lbs.)

Item 1313666. $899.95 

Floating Eyes Security System

You've invested a lot in your lab, and you want to make sure it's safe and secure. With our new Floating Eyes System, you never need to worry about intruders. The 100% organic eyes will follow anything that moves in your lab, and can be trained to recognize authorized personnel. If they see something unauthorized, they will produce a mechanical shriek that can be heard a mile away. If you're out of town, the optional hand-in-a-tank can send you a telegram alerting you to the intruder. 18" L x 13" H x 10" D. (32 lbs.)

Item 6661313. $1359.95 

Cryogenic Storage Unit

The Frankenstein Institute recommends that all body parts and specimens waiting to be resuscitated should be stored at a very chilly -150 degrees C (-240 F). The Shocking Image offers scientists a very affordable, yet effective unit for preserving your ongoing work. The unit can easily be set up vertically or horizontally depending upon your space requirements. 85" L x 52" W x 48" D. (263 lbs.)

Item 1366613. $4349.95 

Deluxe Scalp and Brain Massager

A Shocking Image Exclusive! This rugged, state-of-the art device stimulates circulation to your scalp and hair follicles while micro-tendrils gently massage your brain to get those neurons firing at maximum capacity! A perfect way to relax and recharge between experiments! Made of durable space-age materials. 18" H x 12" D. (12 lbs.)

Item 1636136. $749.95 

Atomic Nose Hair Vaporizer

Our most powerful solution yet for dealing with unwanted nose hair! This atomic-powered beauty directs a precision energy beam straight into the nasal cavity, instantly eliminating prickly hairs and nasal congestion. The unit can be mounted on a stabilization tripod to ensure that no accidental jostling results in suboptimal results (sold separately). 32" L x 14" W x 16" H. (18 lbs.)

Item 1363116. $1299.95