These are hard times for holiday catalog enthusiasts. The double whammy of Amazon and lockdowns dealt a crippling blow to brick-and-mortar stores, and ubiquitous online access has put the print catalog on life support.
Just as I was about to give up on getting a Sharper Image catalog this year, a slimmed down one magically showed up in the mailbox. It makes a nice coffee table companion to the dog-eared Hammacher Schlemmer I received a couple of months ago. Compared to the venerable Hammacher Schlemmer (which I affectionately call Hamburgler Schlepper), The Sharper Image is a Johnny-come-lately. HS claims that it’s been offering “the best, the unique and the unexpected” for over 175 years.
Back in its heyday, HS distinguished itself by listing at least one truly unexpected (and obscenely expensive) item in every catalog mailer. One year it was a lifesize, animatronic replica of Forbidden Planet’s Robby the Robot for $40K or thereabouts. Another catalog featured a personal submarine for the multi-millionaire who has everything (and guess what, it’s still there online, if you happen to have several million bucks lying around).
HS has long since dispensed with the super-luxury items for the print catalog -- it’s now almost indistinguishable from The Sharper Image, with the usual assortment of “timeless” artifacts: massagers, portable photo printers, sleep sound machines, DVD storage cabinets, holiday yard decorations, etc.
The Sharper Image and Hammacher Schlemmer catalogs may be mere shadows of their former selves, but in that alternate universe to which Films From Beyond has exclusive access, The Shocking Image catalog is a thriving holiday institution. Here’s a sampling of truly unique and unexpected gifts for lucky mad scientists in the upper income brackets (and they're all on sale!):
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Captured Soul Lava Lamp Our competitors' lamps feature the usual waxy blobs in clear fluid, and quite frankly, they get boring really fast. Using a special process exclusive to The Shocking Image (pat. pending), we capture souls at the precise moment that they leave deceased bodies, and trap them in specially designed display containers. The antics of these souls are endlessly entertaining! Also makes a great night light for the kids! (Captured souls may vary in color and appearance.) 54” H x 20” W. (120 lbs.) Item 1313666. Special Black Friday Sale Price: |
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Personal Earth-drilling Juggernaut A Shocking Image exclusive! Humanity has explored every corner of the earth's surface and its oceans, but still very little is known about the earth beneath our feet. Be the first on your multi-millionaires' block to explore the earth's mysterious core! This one-of-a-kind Juggernaut, with a roomy cabin for 4 adults, moves 36 tons of dirt and rock per minute as you drill down to reveal lost underground worlds full of ferocious dinosaurs and the last surviving Neanderthals! (Special conditions and shipping rates apply; Launch ramp sold separately.) 74.2' L x 15' W x 12.4' H. (112,796 lbs.) Item 1366613. |
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Combo MRI Machine / Air Fryer Creating a creature from scratch is incredibly time consuming. You constantly have to use imaging equipment to check on the internal integrity of your creation, leaving little time for meals. The innovators at The Shocking Image have solved the dilemma with a one-of-kind device that can be used to take detailed images of your creation's internal organs, then, when it's time to eat, a simple touch of a button turns it into a super spacious air fryer, capable of cooking up to a dozen large turkeys or hams at a time. Great for mollifying irate, torch-bearing villagers with a quick, lip-smacking hot banquet. 9' L x 4.5' W x 5' H. (1,765 lbs.; Call for special shipping rates.) Item 6661313. |
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Combo Surgical Laser / Tanning Ray Let's face it: with all the cutting, dissecting and suturing you do to create artificial life, you just don't have the time to go outdoors and get some sun on that deathly pale skin of yours. Fret no more, because with the exclusive Shocking Image Surgical Laser and Tanner, you can have it all! After slicing and dicing your creation with the precise laser, adjust the setting and turn it on yourself for an indoor tan that simulates an afternoon in the sun without all the harmful UV rays. And once you've revived your creature, give it the tanning treatment to turn that corpse-grey skin into a healthy, glowing bronze color! 48” Diam. x 54” H. (87 lbs.) Item 1666313. |
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3D People Printer It's a never-ending problem -- your work in things that are better left alone is immensely complicated and time-consuming, and it's so hard to get good help! Even when you're lucky enough to find a capable assistant, the work seems to multiply, and you end up wishing you could clone him or her. But cloning is messy and a huge investment in time and resources. Wish no more. Just put your assistant in one of the patented printer cylinders, fire up the machine, and then marvel at the exact replica that is ready right then and there to do your bidding. Your lab will become so efficient, you may find time to wreak horrible vengeance on the clueless colleagues who ridiculed you and banished you from polite society. (Human subjects not included.). 96" H x 120" W. (943 lbs.) Item 6136136. |
Before the ABC network premiere of Journey to the Center of the Earth in 1965, I was wondering how the journey would be accomplished. I pictured something a lot like the Earth-drilling Juggernaut. What a surprise to see that all they had to do was walk!
ReplyDeleteI too love the original James Mason version of Journey, despite the lack of super-scientific equipment. I tried to catch it every time it was broadcast. On the other hand, At the Earth's Core is pretty hokey, and is good for one and done viewing.
DeleteThose wind-up induction coil lamps were pretty cool, though. Bernard Herrmann's music helps put it near the top of my all time favorite fantasy films. If it isn't too early, have a great holiday season and New Year!
ReplyDeleteIt's me again, not Anonymous. I always forget to put my name in.
ReplyDeleteHappy Holidays to you Bill!
DeletePut me down for one of those Earth Drilling Juggernauts -- just the perfect tool for when I want to dig myself a quick underground vacation hideaway, far from all that shopping hysteria soon to come. And with the spreading availability of free WiFi, I'll never be at a loss to hook into online entertainment while I'm snuggled away!
ReplyDeleteThat's a great idea! The premium wi-fi package for the Juggernaut is only an additional $50,595, but you have to order before midnight Sunday. Hurry, they're going fast!
DeleteWell, as much as I'd like to splurge on that Earth-Drilling Juggernaut, it's a bit too spendy for me. That soul lava lamp, on the other hand, is an absolute bargain. Sold! I love all the cheeky descriptions. Glad to see the Shocking Image catalog is alive and well.
ReplyDeleteP.S., That submarine from HS looks pretty cool. I might need to check the couch for spare change. ;)
Thanks Barry! I think you made the right choice -- those captured souls give you real entertainment value!
DeleteI still can't quite wrap my head around selling a multi-million dollar submarine in an online catalog. I imagine they get a lot of crank calls on that one!
Just love these.... I will so have to save up to buy a juggernaut...
ReplyDeleteThe Juggernaut seems to be the hot item this season! Hopefully supplies will last...
DeleteBrian, I wasn't the least bit excited about Christmas shopping until I became aware of what your Shocking Image catalogue has to offer! That Combo MRI Machine and Air Fryer could come in handy as I get older and find myself spending half my life at the medical clinic. Now I could get diagnosed and make dinner at the same time! At home! Does Shocking Image offer a layaway plan? You must admit you're a little...pricey.
ReplyDeleteMike, that would be the ultimate home set-up! Unfortunately, The Shocking Image doesn't have a layaway plan, but if you're willing to sign over your soul, they can probably cut you a deal. 😱
DeleteI laughed out loud reading the catalog entries you listed. The Personal Earth-Drilling Juggernaut sounds like a good way to test Laura Petrie's question about the Earth's center being chewy or chocolate creme! (She asked this question on one of The Dick Van Dyke Show episodes when she works temporarily for Rob, Sally, and Buddy.) Happy Holidays! May you always find tasty candy centers (and not rocks) in the New Year!
ReplyDeleteThanks Marianne, and may your holidays be everything you're hoping for! I'm going to have to look up that Dick Van Dyke show episode. Not that long ago we stayed at a place that had the Dick Van Dyke channel (!) as one of the streaming options, and we binged a bunch of episodes.
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