The 2024 Shocking Image Holiday Gift Guide

These are hard times for holiday catalog enthusiasts. The double whammy of Amazon and lockdowns dealt a crippling blow to brick-and-mortar stores, and ubiquitous online access has put the print catalog on life support.

Just as I was about to give up on getting a Sharper Image catalog this year, a slimmed down one magically showed up in the mailbox. It makes a nice coffee table companion to the dog-eared Hammacher Schlemmer I received a couple of months ago. Compared to the venerable Hammacher Schlemmer (which I affectionately call Hamburgler Schlepper), The Sharper Image is a Johnny-come-lately. HS claims that it’s been offering “the best, the unique and the unexpected” for over 175 years.

Back in its heyday, HS distinguished itself by listing at least one truly unexpected (and obscenely expensive) item in every catalog mailer. One year it was a lifesize, animatronic replica of Forbidden Planet’s Robby the Robot for $40K or thereabouts. Another catalog featured a personal submarine for the multi-millionaire who has everything (and guess what, it’s still there online, if you happen to have several million bucks lying around).

HS has long since dispensed with the super-luxury items for the print catalog -- it’s now almost indistinguishable from The Sharper Image, with the usual assortment of “timeless” artifacts: massagers, portable photo printers, sleep sound machines, DVD storage cabinets, holiday yard decorations, etc.

The Sharper Image and Hammacher Schlemmer catalogs may be mere shadows of their former selves, but in that alternate universe to which Films From Beyond has exclusive access, The Shocking Image catalog is a thriving holiday institution. Here’s a sampling of truly unique and unexpected gifts for lucky mad scientists in the upper income brackets (and they're all on sale!):

Captured Soul Lava Lamp

Our competitors' lamps feature the usual waxy blobs in clear fluid, and quite frankly, they get boring really fast. Using a special process exclusive to The Shocking Image (pat. pending), we capture souls at the precise moment that they leave deceased bodies, and trap them in specially designed display containers. The antics of these souls are endlessly entertaining! Also makes a great night light for the kids! (Captured souls may vary in color and appearance.) 54” H x 20” W. (120 lbs.)

Item 1313666. Special Black Friday Sale Price: $369.99 $272.49

Personal Earth-drilling Juggernaut

A Shocking Image exclusive! Humanity has explored every corner of the earth's surface and its oceans, but still very little is known about the earth beneath our feet. Be the first on your multi-millionaires' block to explore the earth's mysterious core! This one-of-a-kind Juggernaut, with a roomy cabin for 4 adults, moves 36 tons of dirt and rock per minute as you drill down to reveal lost underground worlds full of ferocious dinosaurs and the last surviving Neanderthals! (Special conditions and shipping rates apply; Launch ramp sold separately.) 74.2' L x 15' W x 12.4' H. (112,796 lbs.)

Item 1366613. $5,367,846.99 $4,620,112.99

Combo MRI Machine / Air Fryer

Creating a creature from scratch is incredibly time consuming. You constantly have to use imaging equipment to check on the internal integrity of your creation, leaving little time for meals. The innovators at The Shocking Image have solved the dilemma with a one-of-kind device that can be used to take detailed images of your creation's internal organs, then, when it's time to eat, a simple touch of a button turns it into a super spacious air fryer, capable of cooking up to a dozen large turkeys or hams at a time. Great for mollifying irate, torch-bearing villagers with a quick, lip-smacking hot banquet. 9' L x 4.5' W x 5' H. (1,765 lbs.; Call for special shipping rates.)

Item 6661313. $679,354.89 $587,287.15

Combo Surgical Laser / Tanning Ray

Let's face it: with all the cutting, dissecting and suturing you do to create artificial life, you just don't have the time to go outdoors and get some sun on that deathly pale skin of yours. Fret no more, because with the exclusive Shocking Image Surgical Laser and Tanner, you can have it all! After slicing and dicing your creation with the precise laser, adjust the setting and turn it on yourself for an indoor tan that simulates an afternoon in the sun without all the harmful UV rays. And once you've revived your creature, give it the tanning treatment to turn that corpse-grey skin into a healthy, glowing bronze color! 48” Diam. x 54” H. (87 lbs.)

Item 1666313. $2,187.99 $1,512.25

3D People Printer

It's a never-ending problem -- your work in things that are better left alone is immensely complicated and time-consuming, and it's so hard to get good help! Even when you're lucky enough to find a capable assistant, the work seems to multiply, and you end up wishing you could clone him or her. But cloning is messy and a huge investment in time and resources. Wish no more. Just put your assistant in one of the patented printer cylinders, fire up the machine, and then marvel at the exact replica that is ready right then and there to do your bidding. Your lab will become so efficient, you may find time to wreak horrible vengeance on the clueless colleagues who ridiculed you and banished you from polite society. (Human subjects not included.). 96" H x 120" W. (943 lbs.)

Item 6136136. $17,834.89 $16,901.15

Mr Movie Fiend: Tempting Providence

The Asphyx (1973)

Death is scary. Despite being inextricably bound with life, it has vexed and mystified humanity for as long as we’ve had the capacity to reflect and to wonder. One almost ubiquitous constant in all this grappling with Death through the ages has been a belief in some form of afterlife. (Of course, the afterlife isn’t always reassuring. The ancient Greeks believed that the “shades” of all those who had died dwelled in Hades, which was not a nice place at all.  Today, belief in a literal hell is still very high in the U.S. Interestingly, according to one survey, percentages of responders who absolutely did not believe in hell rose steadily the older — and closer to death — they got. [Baylor Religion Survey, 2007]

Perhaps because of the uncertainties of the afterlife, the concept of physical immortality has similarly captured the human imagination, at least since the Epic of Gilgamesh. In an earlier post on Count Yorga: Vampire, I speculated that at least some (if not most) of the staying power of the vampire in popular culture is due to the innate fascination with being young, sexy and powerful forever. Lately, science has titillated the public with research suggesting that the aging process can be slowed or even halted, or that we might someday be able to upload our consciousness into machines.

The Asphyx (1973) takes both the spiritual and material aspects of fascination with eternal life and combines them into a very interesting, quirky and horrific morality play. The film is set in the late 19th / early 20th century, a period marked by the industrial revolution and an explosion of inventions and scientific discoveries that upended traditional lifestyles and man’s conception of his place in the universe. Sir Hugo Cunningham (Robert Stephens) is a man of contradictions: as a patrician country squire, he represents the past and a declining aristocracy; on the other hand, he is a relentlessly curious scientist who’s invented his own movie camera and “light booster” (a fancy name for a spotlight). He’s also devoted himself to psychical research, and possibly proving, through scientific means, the existence of life after death.

See the full post at Mr Movie Fiend. 

"The Asphyx: More than a myth... more than a maybe..."