December 23, 2018

Extra Special Holiday Message From Beyond the Time Barrier: Godzilla Edition

Happy Holidays!

Godzilla and King Kong fight over a Black Friday deal at Dollhouses R Us

King Kong vs. Godzilla, 1962

Godzilla has trouble putting up his Christmas lights

Godzilla, 1954

Rodan finds a great parking space on the last shopping day before Christmas

Rodan, 1956

Santa regrets replacing Rudolph with Ghidorah when he realizes that the heads can't agree on which direction to go

Ghidorah, the Three Headed Monster, 1964

Godzilla, expecting a new iPhone, discovers that Santa brought him a train set instead

Godzilla, 1954

December 11, 2018

TV Ads for Aging Monsters: Hammer Films Edition

In my last post I admitted to being hooked on retro-TV channels like Me-TV and Decades. But watching those channels is also a humbling experience, as the ads uniformly remind you that you're not getting any younger, your body is breaking down, and you need a lot of stuff to keep going.

Being eternally curious, I wondered what these sorts of ad campaigns would look like if they were aimed at the old, classic monsters -- monsters, after all, have needs too. The Universal monsters obligingly helped with the fantasy campaigns. So, at the risk of overdoing an already lame exercise, I thought I would give Hammer Films equal time. Without further ado, and in living-dead technicolor, here are TV ads aimed at aging Hammer monsters.

MonsterCare Advantage Plans

Still from Frankenstein Must Be Destroyed, 1969
Are you sure you're fully covered for your next brain transplant or other infernal procedure that goes against the laws of God and man? Our Advantage Plans cover many expenses that traditional MonsterCare does not, including body parts, sutures, electrode implants, cryogenic tanks, and much more! And with most plans, you get to keep your mad doctor!*
*Out-of-network mad doctors are under no obligation to treat plan members except in emergencies.

Touch of Grave Hair Color for Wolf Men

Curse of the Werewolf, 1961
It's a wolf eat dog world out there, and lycanthropes need every advantage they can get as they go marauding through the countryside. Feel 20 years younger with an application of Touch of Grave hair color, exclusively for werewolves. It takes out most of the dull wolf grey and leaves just a touch for that distinguished look as you stalk your prey.

Zombie Exploitation Class Action Lawsuit

The Plague of the Zombies, 1966
If diabolical, wealthy elites have turned you into a moldering zombie in order to put you to unpaid work, you may be entitled to significant compensation! The law firm of Keys, Gilling, Bryan and Ashton* has extensive experience in Zombie law and has recovered millions in compensation for victims just like you! Schedule an appointment today!
*Not licensed to practice in Cornwall, UK.

Join AARP* Today!

The Reptile, 1966
The *American Association for Reptilian People is the premier organization dedicated to improving the lives of aging reptilians everywhere. With a membership, you can get discounted tickets to major movies like Venom, save hundreds on Snake Oil and other potions, and download free guides to shedding your skin and looking years younger! Plus, we advocate for your interests with the Reptilian Overlords who run the world from Washington D.C. We speak with a forked tongue, just like they (and you) do!

Dr. Frankenstein's CruelSculpting® Way to Reduce Fat

Mashup: Frankenstein and the Monster from Hell, 1974 and Curse of the Werewolf, 1961
Take pounds off your body and years off your appearance with Dr. Frankenstein's patented CruelSculpting® method. This miracle technology doesn't use diet pills, liposuction, or freezing -- just a good old-fashioned scalpel and the doctor's steady hand! Sign up today, and in no time you will be the envy of your dungeon mates!