Your Prescription is Ready: Mad Doctor Meds, Hammer-style

When you watch lots of retro TV like I do, you become very familiar with the U.S. pharmaceutical industry and which of their overpriced prescription meds are the greatest cash cows. Every time I’m blitzed with drug commercials, I shake my head at the tongue-twisting brand names that seem to have originated straight out of Superman’s Bizarro universe, not to mention all the small print side effects which are way worse than the disease (if you can even figure out what the damned things are supposed to be treating).

As you might expect, in that parallel universe we all know and love where monsters are the norm and retailers and advertisers cater to their every whim, Big Pharma is there to exploit every monster malady… and there are a lot of them!

With all those vegetarians and vegans walking around, it’s harder than ever for vampires to find the iron-rich blood necessary for a healthy undead existence. Taken with 10 pints of fresh blood, once-daily Corpusletrex ™ guarantees your nightly requirements of red corpuscles, iron and 13 additional vitamins and minerals.
  Common side effects: Red eye; general pallor; sensitivity to sunlight, silver crosses and wooden stakes; enlarged canine teeth; increased desire to wear black silk capes; constipation; living death. Don’t take if you’re allergic to Corpusletrex or any of its ingredients.

Let’s face it: in their rush to create new artificial life, mad doctors aren’t the most scrupulous or detail-oriented of medical professionals. They use any old body parts that they can get their hands on, and they stitch them together with the sort of carelessness that would make a bottom-of-the-class, first year medical student look like a virtuoso. If you’re the product of a mad scientist’s haste, don't despair. Daily applications of Suturetril ™ will lessen the redness and swelling around your sutures, and help to fight off infections caused by mad medical malpractice.
   Common side effects: Redness and swelling around sutured areas; skin discoloration and eruptions; rheumy eyes; poor muscle coordination; diarrhea; death.

It’s never a good thing when, as the result of a terrible, mystical curse, you periodically turn into a slavering, scaly human reptile that spits venom at innocent people, turning their skin purplish-black before causing them to expire in the most horrible way possible. Used as directed, Scalera ™ will smooth and soften scaly skin, fill-in cracks and wrinkles, and add a healthy, greenish glow to your complexion.
  Common side effects: Blackened, forked tongue; slurring of speech; bulging eyes; lowered body temperature; general clamminess; increased desire to bite people for no good reason; constipation; death. For external use only, not to be taken internally.

Chasing after human prey night after night under the full moon can be exhausting and hard on your lungs. Used nightly, the Madvaire inhaler ™ can restore peak lung function and ensure that you never get winded when hunting down terrified victims.
  Common side effects: Excessive salivating; halitosis; sinusitis; elongated yellow teeth and bloody gums; swollen tongue; split ends; ringing in ears; explosive diarrhea; death. Not to be used as a rescue inhaler.

Zombies have a hard time maintaining healthy blood sugar levels, mainly because blood has stopped circulating in their bodies. In combination with a healthy diet of human flesh, Oozemplic ™ can help prevent further rotting and restore enough vitality to allow even the most decomposed zombie to accomplish whatever mindless, slavish tasks are required. And it will keep those extra pounds off too!
  Common side effects: Oozing and discharges at the injection site; gangrenous flesh; cloudy, watery eyes; rotting teeth and bleeding gums, incontinence; death-in-life.