TV Ads for Aging Monsters: Hammer Films Edition

In my last post I admitted to being hooked on retro-TV channels like Me-TV and Decades. But watching those channels is also a humbling experience, as the ads uniformly remind you that you're not getting any younger, your body is breaking down, and you need a lot of stuff to keep going.

Being eternally curious, I wondered what these sorts of ad campaigns would look like if they were aimed at the old, classic monsters -- monsters, after all, have needs too. The Universal monsters obligingly helped with the fantasy campaigns. So, at the risk of overdoing an already lame exercise, I thought I would give Hammer Films equal time. Without further ado, and in living-dead technicolor, here are TV ads aimed at aging Hammer monsters.

MonsterCare Advantage Plans

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Touch of Grave Hair Color for Wolf Men

It's a wolf eat dog world out there, and lycanthropes need every advantage they can get as they go marauding through the countryside. Feel 20 years younger with an application of Touch of Grave hair color, exclusively for werewolves. It takes out most of the dull wolf grey and leaves just a touch for that distinguished look as you stalk your prey.

Zombie Exploitation Class Action Lawsuit

If diabolical, wealthy elites have turned you into a moldering zombie in order to put you to unpaid work, you may be entitled to significant compensation! The law firm of Keys, Gilling, Bryan and Ashton* has extensive experience in Zombie law and has recovered millions in compensation for victims just like you! Schedule an appointment today!
*Not licensed to practice in Cornwall, UK.

Join AARP* Today!

The *American Association for Reptilian People is the premier organization dedicated to improving the lives of aging reptilians everywhere. With a membership, you can get discounted tickets to major movies like Venom, save hundreds on Snake Oil and other potions, and download free guides to shedding your skin and looking years younger! Plus, we advocate for your interests with the Reptilian Overlords who run the world from Washington D.C. We speak with a forked tongue, just like they (and you) do!

Dr. Frankenstein's CruelSculpting® Way to Reduce Fat

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TV Ads for Aging Monsters

The classic Universal monsters we all know and love are getting up there in age: Dracula and Frankenstein are 87, the Wolf Man is 77, and the youngest of the litter, the Creature from the Black Lagoon, almost qualifies for Medicare at 64.

Thanks to DVD, Blu-ray and retro shows like Me-TV’s Svengoolie, there’s some life in the old monsters yet. Speaking of retro TV, I’m fortunate to live in a large enough metro area that I pull in quite a few channels through the digital antenna (yes, I cut the cable cord a few years ago): Me-TV, Movies!, Grit, Decades, Comet, This-TV and several more. For someone of my age and tastes, it’s a cornucopia. The downside has been having to train myself not to DVR everything in sight. Even in retirement, there are just so many hours in the day, and old men cannot live by old movies alone.

And if you believe the commercials that air on those retro channels, it’s hard for old men (or women) to live at all -- at least not without a lot of help from vultures companies specializing in scams products and services aimed at the elderly. The profile of the average retro TV viewer is not a pretty one: (S)he is decrepit, arthritic, wears adult diapers, takes a variety of expensive meds, needs a scooter to go more than few yards, is contemplating a reverse mortgage, can’t get up once (s)he’s prone on the floor, and is constantly worried how loved ones will cover funeral expenses when (s)he goes.

This got me to thinking -- now that the classic monsters are firmly in this age category, what would ads aimed specifically at their needs look like? Here’s my take on the Mad Men’s ad campaigns for aging monsters.

New and Improved! Ultra-adjustable Laboratory Table!

No mad doctor's laboratory should be without one! With just one touch of your cold, dead finger, adjust your table from horizontal to 90^o in seconds! Order today and get two tables for the price of one, complete with premium gold-buckled restraining straps!*
*Pay separate shipping and handling

Hair Club for Wolf-Men

There's nothing like a full head of hair to restore confidence and bring out a new, better you! We don't use implants, weaves or wigs -- just pure, natural moonlight. Make an appointment today and we'll cover your whole body with luxurious hair at no extra charge!

Imhotep's Age-Denying Skin Cream

Use this revolutionary new product and erase 3,000 years of fine lines and wrinkles in no time! Compare with creams costing hundreds of goat skins more! Try it today -- you're worth it!

Allstake's Supplemental Death Insurance

There are more zealots with wooden stakes out there than ever. If you should get staked, are you sure your hypnotized flunkies will have the means to bury you in unhallowed ground? Allstake's insurance plan costs mere pennies a day, there are no Dr. Van Helsing exams to go through, and your premiums will never go up. Enroll today for those poor lost souls who've done so much for you -- after all, you didn't pick them because they were rich!

Monster Alert is On Call 24/7

"Help! I'm being chased by a monster, I've fallen, and I can't get up!"^TM There's nothing more frightening than being sprawled on the ground, ready to be scooped up by a slavering monster. Now, B-movie victims have only to touch their Monster Alert pendant button,* and one of our trained staff members will alert the authorities 24/7, 365 days a year.**
* Also comes in a handy keychain!
** Response times and quality of first responders may vary