January 11, 2021

Mr. Toad’s Wild B-Movie Ride: Hell Comes to Frogtown

Poster - Hell Comes to Frogtown (1988)
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Hell Comes to Frogtown (1988)

Pros: The gloriously looney script is peppered with tongue-in-cheek sight gags and one-liners; Roddy Piper strikes the right serio-comic note as a clueless, reluctant “hero”; Impressive mutant-frog creature effects.
Cons: The action lags for long stretches as the protagonists interact with Frogtown’s oddball inhabitants.

According to my impeccable source (yeah, Wikipedia), the modest frog is a miracle of adaptation. They’ve been around for millions of years, and in that time have developed into over 6000 species that inhabit almost every area of the world, from the tropics to subarctic regions.

They thrive on land and in water, and some have expanded their repertoire by living underground or in trees. They’re mostly carnivores, but in a pinch, select species have gone omnivorous or even vegetarian.

For all their adaptability, frogs are also the amphibian equivalent of the canary-in-a-coal-mine, their falling numbers pointing to accelerating climate and environmental disruption. In just a few decades, over a hundred species have become extinct, and a third of all species are threatened.

The humble, homely frog might not seem a likely candidate for inspiring awe and dread, but in the fractured minds of the people who brought us Hell Comes to Frogtown, they’re not only deliriously quirky, they’re the co-inheritors of a post-apocalyptic earth.

Commander Toty and his war wagon, Hell Comes to Frogtown (1988)
Frogs the world over are ready to go to war over the loss of their habitat.

The movie starts out with an expository bang, so to speak, as a female narrator intones against a backdrop of nuclear mushroom clouds rising into the atmosphere:

“In the latter days of the 20th century, there arose a difference of opinion. The leading experts of the time believed a nuclear war would only involve the exchange of a few bombs, and the suitably horrified combatants would sit down at the peace table. They were wrong. In just 10 days, 10 thousand years of human progress was virtually blown to dust. 10 years later, they tried again.”

(That sounds about right to me. I can easily imagine some demented real-life Dr. Strangeloves thinking, “we can win this thing with the judicious use of a few tactical nukes,” and then the whole balloon going up.)

As a result, much of the world’s male population has been decimated (presumably also by the war leading up to the nuclear exchange), and most of the rest of humanity has been rendered infertile by radiation. Enter war veteran Sam Hell (Roddy Piper), who has not only miraculously survived, but has kept his male potency, having left a number of pregnant women in his wake as he drifts through the barren wastelands.

However, Sam’s legendary exploits have gotten him into hot water, as the beginning of the movie finds him being harshly interrogated by Devlin (William Smith), a grizzled member of the provisional government. Devlin accuses Sam of multiple counts of sexual assault (including Devlin’s own daughter), and is about to de-man the drifter with a broken bottle when two members of the government’s MedTech unit step in.

MedTech is an all-female branch devoted to repopulating the country. The women, dressed in immaculate white uniforms, are clearly large and in charge, and very interested in taking Sam into custody.

As Devlin makes a move toward Sam with the bottle, MedTech officer Spangle (Sandahl Bergman) grabs him and executes a neat judo flip, leaving the man spluttering on the floor. Ushering Sam out the door, the senior officer looks over her shoulder and sneers at Devlin, “you’re still here?”

William Smith and Sandahl Bergman in Hell Comes to Frogtown, 1988
"I pre-soak my uniforms in baking soda. Why do you ask?"

Sam’s relief at being rescued from forced sterilization via jagged glass turns to consternation when he finds out what MedTech plans to do with him. He’s outfitted with an electronic male chastity belt stamped “Gov’t Property” to prevent any unauthorized extracurricular activities.

MedTech has learned that a number of fertile women have been kidnapped by Commander Toty (Brian Frank), leader of the mutant frog people, and are being held in Frogtown, a settlement located deep within the mutant reservation. (The mutants, unfortunate byproducts of radiation, are derisively referred to as “greeners” by the humans, and have been rounded up and made to live on desolate reservations.)

The plan is for Spangle, MedTech soldier Centinella (Cec Verrell) and Sam to infiltrate Frogtown and rescue the women so that Sam can do his patriotic duty and start making new citizens.

At a rest stop on their journey to Frogtown, Sam excuses himself to urinate in the woods, and not being the sharpest pencil in the box, takes off running. His government issue jockstrap starts beeping, and he quickly discovers that if he strays too far from the homing device in Spangle’s earring, he gets a shock to his privates. Worse yet, if he’s so bold as to try to remove it, an explosive charge will go off (which doesn’t make much sense given the value of the cargo, but we’ll let that go for now).

Ironically, in order to infiltrate Frogtown, Sam, who is on a short electronic leash, poses as a slave trader leading pretend slave girl Spangle around on a chain. As they conduct their mission, the pair encounter a diverse cast of characters, including Arabella (Kristi Somers), a mutant exotic dancer and their undercover contact; Looney Tunes (Rory Calhoun), a human prospector and long-lost friend of Sam’s who has discovered uranium underneath the town; Leroy (Cliff Bemis), the fez-wearing proprietor of Frogtown’s saloon; Bull (Nicholas Worth), Commander Toty’s brutish enforcer; and the Commander himself, who has a fetish for human slave girls (and who delights in having his captives perform the Dance of the Three Snakes for his private amusement… don’t ask!)

Saloon scene from Hell Comes to Frogtown, 1988
"Saloon keeper, pond water for all my friends!"

Sam and Spangle spend a lot of screen time interacting with this oddball cast of characters, trying to figure out how to free the captive women. Along the way they discover a dastardly plot to smuggle guns into Frogtown in exchange for uranium, which leads to a scaled down Mad Max-type war-wagon chase in the desert and a showdown with not one but two arch-villains.

When I first watched Hell Comes to Frogtown years ago, I was somewhat put off by the dialogue-driven scenes that considerably slowed the action down for lengthy stretches. With subsequent viewings, I’ve come to appreciate how clever and subversively tongue-in-cheek it is.

The whole film, especially the interludes between action sequences, is rich with bits of business, background details and sight gags that create as believable a world as any B-movie featuring post-apocalyptic matriarchs squaring off against mutant humanoid frogs could hope to achieve.

At first glance, the MedTechers in their starched white uniforms would seem to be the unambiguous good guys/gals, having saved Sam from a fate worse than death. But as he’s being tested and fitted for his electronic jockstrap at MedTech HQ, we’re treated to close-ups of the “inspirational” posters that decorate the offices and labs; one quotes Genesis: “Be fruitful, multiply, fill the earth and conquer it.”

It soon becomes clear that the MedTech repopulation mission is for the express purpose of raising armies to wage new wars. The MedTechers are not self-sacrificing Florence Nightingales -- they’re remorseless bureaucrats and self-styled patriots dedicated to getting the country back on its feet so it can go another round or two.

The rugged van that Spangle, Sam and Centinella drive into mutant territory is emblematic of MedTech’s yin-yang of hardcore power dressed in feminine trappings. It’s bright pink, but it sports a lethal machine gun on its roof. Beware of MedTech: they may be “skirts” as Devlin contemptuously calls them, but they pack a mean punch.

Cec Verrell as Centrinella in Hell Comes to Frogtown, 1988
MedTech advisory #124: Try to avoid eating lead.

On the flip side, the Frogtown mutants are more than just cardboard cutout villains -- they’re as varied and individualistic as the humans, perhaps more so. As the unfortunate byproducts of nuclear war, they’ve been dealt a very bad hand, herded onto barren reservations and denied guns and other means to defend themselves (sound familiar?).

In spite of the harsh treatment, some, like Arabella, are willing to work with the humans (even to the point of developing a crush on Sam), and some, like Commander Toty and his henchman Bull, hate the “flatlips” (as they call humans) with a passion. And then there’s Leroy the saloon keeper, who will deal with anybody, mutant or human, who can pay hard cash.

Effects artist Steve Yang’s frog mutants (which reportedly only cost $12,000) are truly inspired, detailed creations that serve to underscore the characters’ unique personalities and traits. They range from figures that could be mistaken for human from a distance (mostly guards and assorted minions), to half-human-half-frog hybrids like Arabella, to Bull, Leroy and Toty, who sport 100%-certified frog heads on humanoid bodies.

The movie is also full of background details and sight gags that bring Frogtown to life. For no discernable reason, Leroy wears an Egyptian fez as if he’s been transported from a Casablanca set in some alternate universe. One of his customers is seen briefly reading a copy of “The Frog Prince.” Slave auctions are conducted with the locals’ favorite currency, the “lilly”. And Arabella proudly sports a showgirl headdress, feather boa and fishnet stockings as if she were the most beautiful exotic dancer on earth.

Kristi Somers as Arabella, Hell Comes to Frogtown, 1988
Arabella does her best Marlene Dietrich imitation.

The grizzled prospector Looney Tunes played by Rory Calhoun is perfectly comfortable mixing with the mutants, but he, like his friend Sam, is an outcast. The mutants’ tolerance for Looney is no doubt helped by the fact that he has discovered uranium right under their webbed feet, which has given them the means to procure guns and other luxuries like tricked-out war wagons.

Calhoun, who in real life was the manliest of men, having been a boxer, truck driver, lumberjack, and cowboy, was naturally cast in westerns and action pictures throughout his acting career (although occasionally he did make appearances in romantic comedies like How to Marry a Millionaire).

Frogtown was one of his last films, and he plays it to the hilt, emoting in his final scene surrounded by a bevy of beautiful actresses. For all of his 80+ movie and TV credits, he will always be remembered as Farmer Vincent (“It takes all kinds of critters to make Farmer Vincent’s fritters”) from the horror-comedy cult classic Motel Hell (1980).

Rory Calhoun as Looney Tunes in Hell Comes to Frogtown, 1988
"What?! You mean to tell me Farmer Vincent's jerky isn't USDA certified?"

“Rowdy” Roddy Piper started out his pro wrestling career as a “heel” in the old World Wrestling Federation (WWF, now WWE). As his popularity soared in the 1980s, taking his wild man act and body slams to action movies must have seemed like a no-brainer.

With both Hell Comes to Frogtown and John Carpenter’s They Live coming out the same year, 1988 was a watershed for Piper’s acting career. Like Calhoun’s Motel Hell, They Live is the authentic cult hit for which Rowdy Roddy will always be remembered -- “I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass… and I’m all out of bubblegum.”

Although Frogtown is not nearly as well-known or cherished, it’s still a very worthy companion to They Live. Piper was not a polished actor, and his broad, outrageous wrestling persona bursts out more than once, but Sam’s boyish, clueless charm is a perfect complement to Spangle's steely resolve.

Bergman, trained as a dancer, parlayed her physicality and presence into the signature role of Valeria in Conan the Barbarian (1982). Naturally, for the next decade she was typecast in femme fatale action roles: She (1984), Red Sonja (1985), and Frogtown. As Spangle, she gets to show off her fighting prowess in a scene or two, but through most of the movie she is a serious, mission-driven bureaucrat and foil to the childlike and impulsive Sam. It’s fun to watch the two gradually warming to each other as they realize each has skills and attitudes that will help them survive.

Sandahl Bergman and Roddy Piper in Hell Comes to Frogtown, 1988
"So tell me Roddy, what's Hulk Hogan really like?"

Fans of the Mad Max franchise may spot a major plot element that Fury Road shares with Frogtown -- the mission to free a group of nubile young women from the clutches of an evil post-apocalyptic warlord. Given the near-universal acclaim that Fury Road has received, the following is going to be controversial to say the least.

Although Fury Road is a great looking film and the production design is world class, I find Frogtown, made for a fraction of a fraction of Fury’s budget, to be far more enjoyable, with more heart and soul in its little webbed finger than Fury has in its whole bloated, mega-budget body.

Fury Road is packed with great, indelible images, but it takes off running from the first few seconds and hardly lets up through its way-too lengthy runtime. The visuals and action come so fast and furious that neither the audience or the characters have time to catch a breath.

On the other hand Frogtown takes its time -- some would say too much -- to ground its characters in more than just cool costumes and makeup, create a loopy, yet oddly believable world, and let its protagonists play off each other in a serio-comical way. In contrast, Fury is as grim and relentless as death.

But don’t take my word for it. Check out Frogtown here or here. And let me know in the comments if you think I’m insane or not for preferring it over the Academy Award-winning Fury Road.

Brian Frank as Commander Toty, Hell Comes to Frogtown, 1988
Commander Toty is awaiting your verdict.

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