November 25, 2019

Holiday TV Ads for Monsters

In that alternate universe where monsters are the norm rather than the terrifying exception, holiday TV ads are different, yet disturbingly familiar:

Black Friday at Wailmart

Wailmart courtesy of Son of Frankenstein (1939)
It’s not too early to start lining up at your local Wailmart for screamin’ Black Friday deals. We’ll throw open the doors at the stroke of midnight. Don’t miss out on your chance to get body parts, brains, electrical equipment, chemistry sets, lab coats, lab tables and much, much more at unbelievable prices! The first 500 through the door will get a free pitchfork!

Every Kiss Begins with Canines ™

'Every Kiss' courtesy of Dracula Has Risen from the Grave (1968)
Forget the diamonds. This holiday season, show how much you really love her by giving her the gift of eternal life. With every purchase of our "Take a Bite out of Life" plan, you’ll get a deluxe, satin-lined coffin and soil from her hometown.*
*Requires signing over her immortal soul at checkout

Charnel No. 13

Charnel no. 13 courtesy of The Devil Bat (1940)
You love hanging around morgues. You can’t resist the earthy aroma of a freshly dug grave. You prowl the night searching for that sublime stench of rot and decay. Charnel No. 13 is the fragrance for you, the sophisticated ghoul.*
*The only perfume endorsed by Dr. Paul Carruthers, foremost scent expert

Monstercare Advantage Plan, Part X

Monstercare Part X courtesy of Man Made Monster (1941)
Most Monstercare advantage plans cover Parts A, B, C, and D for things like replacement brains, limb reattachments, and various elixirs and potions, but Monstercare Advantage Plus is the only one that covers Part X: eXperimental procedures. Are you dead and need to be revived? Do you need to become an indestructible human dynamo by being charged up with huge amounts of electricity? Monstercare Plus X will cover these experiments, and even ones that haven’t been dreamed up yet!*
*Enroll now - deadline is December 7.

A & C Shipping

A & C Shipping courtesy of Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein (1948)
Do you absolutely, positively need to get that body to its destination in time for the holidays? Rely on A & C Shipping, with over 70 years of experience! Owners Bud and Lou personally inspect every shipment, and make sure it gets there safe and sound!*
*A surcharge may be added for bodies over 7 feet long. .

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